Why values matter when you live with pain

If you have been living with persistent pelvic pain, you have probably been told a great deal about what to do about it. There are medications to try, things to avoid, exercises to do, and foods to cut out, and most of it points in a single direction: reduce the pain, and then you can get on with your life.

But what if your life did not have to wait for the pain to settle?

There is a different question worth asking. Not how do I get rid of this pain, but what do I want my life to be about, and how do I move toward that, even now.

What values actually are

Values are not goals, and they are not rules.

A goal is something you can tick off, like walking for thirty minutes on Tuesday, cooking dinner three nights this week, or finishing the report by Friday. When you live with pain, goals can become complicated. Some days your body allows them, and some days it does not, and measuring yourself against them can leave you feeling as though you are constantly falling short.

A value is the direction underneath the goal. It is being someone who looks after her body, being a present parent, staying connected to the people you love, or contributing to something that matters to you. A value does not depend on whether your pain is better or worse on a given day. You can move toward it in small ways even when your body is not cooperating, and that is part of what makes values so steadying when so much else feels uncertain.

Values are the things that, when you act on them, make life feel like yours. They are not given to you by anyone else, and they cannot be completed or finished. They are directions, the way north stays north however you get there.

What we know

A few things keep showing up for people living with persistent pain.

How much you act on your values predicts how well you're doing, often more than pain levels do. 

People who stay engaged with what matters to them tend to feel less depressed, less anxious, and more functional. Pain intensity alone doesn't predict wellbeing nearly as well as you'd think.

The gap between what matters to you and what you're actually doing is where the suffering lives. 

It's not that pain causes distress directly. It's that pain often pulls people away from the people, activities, and roles that give their life meaning. Closing that gap, even a little, makes a real difference.

You don't have to wait for the pain to reduce before you start. 

This is the kind of statement that is easier said than done. Improvement in life satisfaction doesn't depend on pain reduction. Often the pain doesn't change much, and life still gets bigger. This requires engaging with a values-based mindset to start. 

Values give the why that makes the hard things possible. 

Doing physiotherapy. Going to the appointment. Having the difficult conversation with your partner. Going to the wedding when you're tired. None of it is easy. But when these things connect to a clearly held value, they become possible in a way that I should never quite manages.

What this means in practice?

In our work together, I ask about values early. Not to talk you out of caring about your pain, but to understand what your life is for.

What would you like to be doing more of, if pain were less in the way? Who do you want to be, as a partner, a friend, a worker, a person in your current body?

Your answers shape care that's about the authentic part of you.